The most important thing about going to the gym is that everyone knows you went to the gym.
Everyone knows the only reason you hit the gym is because other people know you left … and looking good naked is another reason. But most of the time people know you left. What’s the point of trying an elevator at all if you don’t update all of your social media profiles?
I’m talking about Instagram. I’m talking about Facebook. I’m talking about the one where you send a picture and it disappears after a few seconds.
To be honest, the relentless need to let people know about your workouts is a well-known disease that is labeled as annoying.
But there are some of you weird people in the world who prefer to keep your workouts a secret. They prefer to exercise in the quiet of social media. They don’t even tell their friends that they smashed their PB bench press last night … lunatics.
They just need to be ashamed of all the attention and preferences they would get on their profiles and all the sweet worship they would receive from their friends personally.
But don’t worry, we’re here to help. We give you a complete guide to letting people know you hit the gym without having to share it directly or update your social media status. Follow these simple steps and people will know all about how to mass cultivate.
Always take a protein shaker with you …
Step one, get yourself a protein shaker … preferably one with the word “protein” on the side to avoid possible confusion.
Carrying this around will convince people that you care about your fitness. Take it with you to work. To the toilet. When you’re making tea in the office. When you talk to other colleagues. Basically, it should never be out of your hands. People will get the message at some point.
Stretch out at your desk (loud moans optional)
Expanding at your desk or workplace is nothing new. People do it all the time. But when you do, you will think so; “There’s a guy who went to the gym hard last night.”
Start by massaging the back of your arm with a pained expression on your face. Rub your triceps and slowly move onto your biceps. Reach your arms high above your head and put your hands together and moan as you lean from side to side. NOTE: This is not a * xual thing.
Wear shorts that come back from lunch
What better way to let people know that you are having a tough time at the gym than to come back from your lunch with a set of gym shorts?
You accompany this step with a Tupperware container with a combination of chicken and rice, which is then eaten at your desk outside of your lunch break. People will know you couldn’t eat at lunchtime because you were too busy going to the gym.
Complain loudly about the stairs even though you’ve never complained about it before
The more fitness know-how you have, the more instinctively you will know you are talking about leg day and spread it among the rest of the staff in your office.
You’ll also know that you’re not just the beach muscle guy at the gym and love to work out your entire body. People will respect your dedication to all of your muscle groups, even if your arm to leg ratio is somewhere around 75: 1 on a daily basis.
Listen to your employees
Just like the NSA, train yourself to search for keywords. Words and phrases like “flyefit”, “workout”, “personal best”, “creepy, hairy guy in the gym” are your bread and butter. When you hear these, it’s your time to drop in and share your experiences.
I know what you’re thinking, it seems like you’re telling them about your life in the gym. But in reality they have already brought up the issue. All you do is let them know that you’ve had similar experiences.
When you pass people at work and hear them whispering, you will know that they are mocking you and talking relentlessly about your skills.